Loss, Reflection, Growth and Peace

In Honor of my Beautiful Mother, Angeline (January 24 1955 - December 10, 1992)...


Today makes it 17 years since that cold December 10th day in 1992 when I lost her after a 5 year battle with ovarian cancer. She was only 37 years old. It rocked my world like nothing had ever done before and I hope will never do again. My mom was only 19 years old when she gave birth to me and we were very close. She was my mom, best friend and most trusted confidant.

For the past 16 years, December 10th has represented nothing but heartache and painful memories for me, darkness - although I always "tried" to focus on the good memories I shared with my mom in our short 18 years together, it was always extremely difficult. I usually locked myself away from life and just cried, well today, no more tears (well a few tears of joy).

Today, for the first time since her death seventeen years ago I can finally say that I am at peace. I am at peace with not having her physically present in my life. I am at peace. You see, she too was obese/overweight and battled it most of her adult life. I KNOW with every fiber in my being that she is proud of me and happy for me that I was finally able to kick obesity square in it's face - for good!! Today, I will focus on our good memories, I have given new meaning to this date and I know that so much of my success has to do with my mother and how she raised me, her values, her work ethic, her integrity!

This day will now represent two of my greatest losses but the more recent loss has allotted me the opportunity to truly reflect and reminisce without the darkness. It has allowed me to celebrate...celebrate my life and the life of one of the most amazing women that I was privileged to call mother!

Mommy, I will love you until I take my last breath, I continue to miss you every day that I wake and I will honor and celebrate you by living the best and most honest life that I can. I miss and love you so much. I hope that today you are resting a bit more peacefully knowing that I have triumphed over this and that I am finally at peace with your passing.

My love always,

Joania

Time and Motivation

I was going through my emails this evening and a couple of them really got me thinking, which led me to write this post today.

One of the questions came from a stranger following my journey and the other came from a friend of mine (from way back in our University days). The first question (from anonymous) was, "Where do you find the time to work out, while working full-time, having a toddler and all the traveling, etc.?"

Well, anonymous, lets just say that my days are very full! I will not sit here and tell you that this just comes easy after a while and it's no big deal, just do it, blah, blah, blah!! This shit is one of the hardest things I've ever done!! It may even be harder than labor because at least I got a beautiful son at the end and it "only" lasted 17 hours!!

What I've come to learn (and still learning) is that when you truly want something, you go get it....you make the time!! I really have to "MAKE" the time. My son (family) is the most important thing to me and although part of my reason for doing this is for them (especially my son), I also don't want to take time away from him either. I work full-time, so that's already time away from him. When I pick him up after work, I want to make sure we get our time together - it's for that reason that I don't workout after work! That's his time.

So I make the time by waking up early enough (530am) to get my workout done prior to heading to work. I also work out on my lunch hour at work so that leaves my evenings free. Don't get me wrong, there are times when it's not perfect but I make do!! Some evenings I go for a power walk with my son (in his stroller)...I then stop of at the park before heading home. we play together and I get some exercises in as well ( like dips and push-ups on the park bench) while my son goes up and down the slide/play structure.

I also try to keep my weekends free for family....I try to get an early morning walk/run in on Saturday or a yoga class and that's it for the weekend!! The rest is for family fun!!! :) It keeps me sane!

The other question came from my girlfriend Tasha who asked me, "How do you stay motivated?" And as I told her in the email, it is really a struggle, it is difficult but I credit a big part of being able to stay motivated to the fact that I've put myself out there for all to see - that whole accountability factor. It is definitely helping to keep me on track. The extra attention I've received from the media is helping as well!! Nothing keeps me sweating it up, than the thought of a journalist calling for an update article and progress pic!! :)

Also, blogging about it helps a lot. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have an outlet in which I could express all my feelings throughout this journey - it's been quite therapeutic to write about it - all the ups and downs!! Sometimes when I feel like I can't do this anymore, I go back and read some past posts and trust me it helps, especially the incredibly supportive comments.

I pray a lot. Prayer and more prayer also helps me to keep going. I have a very strong belief in God and His grace. Praying to me is also a form of meditation and reflection, you know? I take comfort in the fact that I am loved and blessed, daily!

Of course the support I've received from my trainer has just been fabulous. I cannot tell you (or him) enough, just how much it means to me to have him in my corner - not only providing me with the tools and guidance that I need to succeed on this journey but just incredible support.

My family and friends keep me motivated with continuous support, encouragement and loving me regardless - nothing beats unconditional love!!

I've said this many times before but the incredible support that I receive from the blogging community - who regularly check in on me, leave encouraging, supportive messages/comments...IT IS JUST AMAZING and a HUGE part of what keeps me motivated. I don't ever want to let them (you guys) down!!

AND last, but certainly not least I really don't want to let myself down - you know!??! I make sure I keep myself motivated by constantly reminding myself of the reasons that I'm on this journey. I frequently go back and read past posts just to keep it fresh in my mind and avoid complacency.

So that's my rant for tonight, bottom line - if it's important enough to you - MAKE IT HAPPEN, KEEP MOTIVATED, MAKE THE TIME, you deserve it.....it's still a difficult thing to do, but the rewards are definitely worth it!!

Had a Great Week

Hi all,

Just a quick post tonight...had a great week food wise, I ate very well (healthy). Tomorrow is weigh-in...looking forward to the results...keeping my fingers tightly crossed for some serious scale love tomorrow!

On another note, I had a tough day today...had to deal with some things that were causing me concern....anyhow, in the past, I would just go on letting it bug me, just internalize it and not really bother to ever deal with it... but more and more, I find myself dealing with things head on. I want to live as stress-free as possible. I am a very simple person...I really don't like having to deal with a lot of drama and nonsense.

I realize in life that we all have unpleasant situations that we have to deal with, however one of my major goals in life is to keep those situations as minimal as possible...life is too short, and most of those things/situations are really not worth the time and energy. Plus, I don't want anything to jeopardize my progress on this journey...I have the power to control that and slowly and surely, on a daily level, I AM learning more and more how to better deal with these things. I am a work in progress but in the meantime I will continue to Live, Love and Laugh (laugh lots!!!)
Anyway, until tomorrow....
Joania (2KMINE!!!)

Happy Mother's Day!

First off, I want to wish all the moms out there a very Happy Mother's Day!!! All the Mommy's, Grand-mommy's and Mommy's to be!! Happy Day ladies!!

This is always a bitter-sweet time for me. I'm a mom to a perfect little angel. Being a mom is the greatest and most important thing I've ever done and ever will do in my life. I love all that comes with it!! However, as most of you already know, I lost my mom almost 17 years ago, so this day is always somewhat difficult for me as well. Over the past 17 years, I've learned to focus on the memories and wonderful times we spent together and that has helped to make the day easier; however it's still difficult. I miss her so much. When my son was born (almost 3 years ago), he brought new wonderful meaning to Mother's Day and made it once again a day I could enjoy. That's what I meant by bitter-sweet.

A little bit about my mother...

She was a wonderful lady, a fabulous spirit and always had this positive energy that seemed to just surround her. She had me when she was only 19 years old. We were very close. This may sound cliché, but she truly was my best and closest friend in this world. We shared everything with each other. When she was 32, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was such a devasting shock to me, that from that moment on I truly remained in what I call a "functional state of shock". It shook my world.

My mom was a fighter, she fought as hard as she could and managed to fight this disease for next 5 years!! She perservered through 2 major surgeries, and 3 bouts of chemotherapy, never once complaining as she dealt with what I know was the most difficult, painful and scariest time of her life. She was amazing.

In the end, the cancer unfortunately returned and spread rapidly to her other organs. I graduated high school in June 1992 and remember how sick she was on that day. I told her, "Mommy, I don't have to go to commencements, the school will mail my Diploma or I could pick it up later." She looked at me, with such a sadness in her eyes and said, "I want to hear your named called and see you walk across that stage!" And she did. She was so weak, but managed to summon the strength to come to my high school graduation commencement and witnessed me walking across that stage. I heard her cheering so loudly for me and it just broke me. At the time, not many people understood why I was as emotional as I was that day...but we knew. A few months later, she passed away at the age of 37, peacefully in my arms at home on December 10, 1992.

Although I miss her terribly, I feel her presence all the time. It's incredible. Especially on this journey, I think of her often as she too battled with her weight pretty much all her life and I wish she was here, because if she was, I know that we would be doing this together.

I see so much of her in my son, from his smile to his personality - it's amazing! Anyway, I just felt that I needed to honour her on this Mother's Day eve. Wherever you are, just know that I love you and miss you - always.

I want to wish all the moms out there a fabulous day tomorrow!! I also wanted to send love and hugs to all of those who've lost their moms - please take solace in the memories that you shared with your love ones.

Until next time...

Joania (2KMINE!!!)

Happy Love Day!!

Just wanted to pop in and say.....

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I hope the love continues throughout the year! No chocolates for me this year!! There's a first for everything!! :)