Attacking My Fears

I am afraid of so many things. I always put on a brave face but inside I have a lot of fears, as I believe many of us do... I know that fear is a part of everyone's life and can be good or bad depending on the situation. Fear can help to keep you safe and alive if you need to escape a dangerous situation. Fear can prevent you from doing things that are not safe or endangering your life like robbing a bank or driving with your eyes closed!!

I think that more than anything, fear is a limiting factor in most of our lives. There are so many common fears that keeps us from reaching our goals and achieving our dreams. It is really important for me to determine what my fears are, especially when it comes to achieving the goals that I've set for this journey. I really have to look closely at each of my fears and determine whether or not it's an excuse or some sort of tactic for procrastinating when it comes to getting things done with regards to weight loss. As I've said many times before, I've been overweight all my life and trying to lose weight for the last 20 years. Why has it taken me this long to truly get this done? I know my fears have something to do with it.

I need to take action. Attack those fears. What will really happen if I take martial arts? I used to think that I'd fail and fall flat on my ass (literally). But I've come to realize that the failure comes from not even trying something that I know that I want to do! No more!

One thing this journey is teaching me is that I need to attack my fears head on!!! I have to do this in order to LIVE the life that I want!! Earlier today, I was watching a clip of Will Smith (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Smith), one of my favorite 'people that I don't know' (celebrity). He made a statement, "I am motivated by fear" and that statement just stuck with me. I decided to adopt that philosophy. I will be motivated by my fears by attacking them one at a time!! I've always hated feeling scared to do something, but no more!! This is part of the reason I decided to sign up for Jujitsu and Kickboxing. I've always had a fascination with martial arts - you wouldn't know it by looking at me, but I have!!

I've watched so many Kung-Fu movies (it's one of my many guilty pleasures) and I'm sure I've seen every Bruce Lee movie ever made!! I'll challenge anybody to have a Bruce Lee-karate-sound-making contest with me!! LOL!! Whatahhhhhhh!! :)

When I was younger (high school age), I remember seeing the movie, "The Karate Kid"...trust me it was a big deal back then. I wanted so desperately to take Karate classes but was too afraid to do it so I didn't bother. A few years later, "The Next Karate Kid" was released and the lead character was a GIRL, fighting Karate and kicking ass!! I think it was Hilary Swank who starred in it. Anyway, I wanted to take karate again but chickened out once more! Until now, here I am 35 years old and just signed up for martial arts classes!! It's never too late y'all!! But can you imagine where I'd be today if I attacked my fears back then??? Can someone say 10th degree triple black belt and the body of a goddess!!?!?!?!? Oh well, nothing before its time :0)

So my new pact with myself is to face all of my fears one at a time. I will attack the things that scare me and use that fear as motivation to succeed. Didn't some great person say, " there's nothing to fear but fear itself" (who said that? I'll have to google it). Anyway no more!!

I am more than half way to reaching my goal weight and I still have so many fears. Now some of these fears may be irrational but still real. I want to attack all of these to ensure I make it to the end - I want to succeed. Below will be a list of only 5 of the fears I am currently dealing with. There is an old saying that sums up why we have and hold on to our fears, "It’s easier to stay in a known hell than to risk an unknown heaven". Well I think this risk is worth taking!

You will notice that I have a plan of attack for some but not all - feel free to give suggestions. I am afraid of:

1. I'm afraid of gaining weight - my plan of attack will be to stick to my exercise and healthy diet plan!!
2. I'm afraid of losing weight - my plan of attack will be to no longer sabbotage my progress/success and get to the bottom of what I'm really afraid of. What is this fear really about?
   
3. I'll let myself (and others) down if I regain all of the weight - Plan of attack....?
   
4. I'll lose my overweight friends - this one may sound a bit strange and really if I lose them over this then they weren't really friends to begin with...BUT they are really friends and already, after having lost 60 pounds, I'm starting to see and feel a difference with a few of my relationships. I now have new interests which they don't all share and I now avoid some of the activities we used to do because they are no good for me and could be detremental to my success (not healthy). My plan of action will have to be honest and open communication with them and go from there.
   
5. Other people's reaction to the "new" me - do I really want to deal with it (resentment, jealousy, maybe even anger) Plan of attack ...?
   

I don't know...am I nuts to have these thoughts?? Regardless, I know that these are some of the fears holding me back and I plan to attack them however I can, starting now!!

Look forward to your comments...

Until next time...
Joania (2KMINE!!!)

One of My Least Favourite "F" Words

I have quite a few "F" words which I don't like. For example, "fat", "fitness" "fake", "fengshui", "fecal", "fear" and I could go on for days (I'm a bit strange that way) but in this case, I'm talking about "FIBROIDS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to state that the upcoming information is based on my own personal experience and research with fibroids. I am not a doctor or medical anything nor am I recommending anything. Just sharing my experience.

I've mentionned before that I have fibroids and let me tell you, of late, they've been getting on my "F'ing" (I don't mind that "F" word) nerves. So what are they???

Fibroids are benign (non-cancerous) tumors that grow in, on or outside of the wall of the uterus. They usually range in size from as small as a pea to as large as a grapefruit. In my case I have 3 large fibroids, each of them around the size of a small orange and numerous small (pea-sized) ones, currently living and growing inside of me. When I was pregnant with my son almost 4 years ago (can't believe he's going to be 3 in just a few months), anyway, some of the fibroids grew to the size of large grapefruits. In fact, I had a very difficult pregnancy and labor and delivery because of the fact that these tumors grew so much that my little boy was competing for space in my womb. After he was delivered, I was informed by the doctor that one of the fibroids was as big as my son's head. It was a very difficult and scary time.

Over the years (6 to be exact), I've seen numerous doctors, OB-GYN's and specialists regarding these tumors and here's some of what I've been told. Some Key Fibroid Facts:

Who can get fibroids?

• I've been told that about 20-25% of all women have fibroids. Most don't even know it or know about it. The majority of the time, these tumors exist producing little to no symptoms what so ever. Supposedly, they are also very common in women over 30. I was 28 when I was first diagnosed. Women over the age of 35 have between a 20 and 40 % chance of having fibroids.
• Supposedly black women are 3 times likelier than other women to have fibroids. I don't know how convinced I am of this fact, simply because whenever I've asked about this statistic and the possible rationale or reasonning behind it, I've never received a straight answer or at least one that makes sense! All I know for certain is that I am a black woman and I do have fibroids...whether or not I'm 3 times as likely to have it than a woman in any other race...I don't know.
• Fibroids are more common in women who are significantly overweight. Significantly overweight?? What does that mean? 30 pounds? 50 pounds? 100 pounds?? Overweight by what standard? I'm not sure. All I know is that I did not maintain a healthy weight so that did not help.
• Also, common in women who have never had children. Again, this was another one of the stats for which a rational possibility or explanation could not be provided but I suspect it's something to do with estrogen levels; and lastly,
• Fibroids are more common in women towards the end of their reproductive years, and they often shrink after menopause.

So that pretty well takes care of the "who can get fibroids" question. My next question was and still is, "What causes these suckers?"

Well, as with a lot of illnesses and diseases, no one knows the exact cause of fibroids, however, their growth seems to be related to estrogen production. If you are pregnant or taking birth control pills or menopausal estrogens, fibroids may grow more quickly because of the increased estrogen level in your body. Hence the rapid growth of my fibroids while I was pregnant.

So how did I find out that I had fibroids? Well, I was at work one day (6 years ago) with a sore tummy and really thought nothing of it as it was that time of the month and as all of us women know, we get a little pain/soreness around that time - no biggie, right? Well, WRONG!!!! A couple hours later, I was keeled over on the floor in what at that time felt like the most excruciating, inexplicable pain I'd ever felt (hadn't gone through my 16-hours of labour yet)!!

Anyway, one of my supervisors drove me to the emergency, where my husband was waiting for me. We waited in the emergency room for upwards of 5 hours before I was seen, only to be told that I may have "eaten" something!! I don't know if it was because I wasn't a thin little thing that the doctor immediately thought that I must have "eaten" something, but I digress.

The next months, actually, couple of years, were followed with numerous doctor and similar hospital emergency room visits only to be sent home with Tylenol-3 prescriptions or nothing at all. Well finally I was referred to a specialist (#2) who ordered a few ultrasounds.

Two of the ultrasounds were like the one's you see on TV, on shows like "A Baby Story" where all you had to worry about was the cold gel on your warm stomach and holding your pee as you maintianed a ridiculously full bladder for as long as possible. Then came the "other" type of ultrasound! OMG!! Never knew it existed and although now I have one, twice a year, I still don't like it. It's a pelvic or "transvaginal" ultrasound - I don't need to provide an explanation and I mean if you really want details, GOOGLE IT!!! All you need to know is that it's uncomfortable.

So how do you find out if you have fibroids?

Your doctor might find one or more fibroids during a routine pelvic exam (hence the importance of those annual pap tests) or sometimes during a prenatal ultrasound. If this happens, the doctor may simply note this in your file, and perhaps monitor this during your regular check-ups because as I mentionned earlier, most women who have fibroids are not aware of them. Most fibroids cause minor or no symptoms and don't require treatment. They're just there!!

However, as in my case (Woman?...CHECK, Black Woman?...CHECK, Overweight?...CHECK, Over 30?...CHECK), I am among the estimated 1 in 4 women who have fibroid problems that affect my quality of life and require treatment. Some of the problems or symptoms that fibroids cause are:

• long, heavy menstrual periods with excessive bleeding which, in some cases, cause anaemia; chronic pelvic pain (as in my case);
• general pelvic discomfort (as in my case);
• problems with urination or constipation, caused by large fibroids crowding the bladder or lower intestine (not in my case); and
• pain during intercourse (not in my case - thank goodness ;).

In more severe cases, fibroids have been known to also cause problems with fertility (as in my case); and repeated miscarriage.

Anyway, all this to say that there are times when I am in excruciating pain and it's more frustrating than anything, and this is one of those times. It affects everything from my mood, energy level and ability to workout (at a 100% - give it my all, you know?).

There is good news though, because there are more treatments available than ever and you just need to speak to your doctor/specialist. In the past, doctors often recommended hysterectomies for women with fibroids that caused excessive bleeding. As a matter of fact, one of the doctors I first saw, recommended that I had a hysterectomy. My goodness, I was 30 years old, newly married, with no kids....I couldn't believe that was his recommendation. Anyway, obviously, there were other options like medications and other treatments.

Fibroids are the reason given for an estimated one-third of the 60,000 hysterectomies performed in Canada each year (took this from Statistics Canada website). Now there are options for treating fibroids other than hysterectomy, like;

• hormone therapy which mimics menopause and helps to temporarily shrink the fibroids. Usually recommended for women close to menopause who can take treatment until their natural menopause sets in....side effects are same as menopause side effects
• myomectomy - surgically remove tumors while leaving uterus in tact...side effects, it's major surgery, lengthy recovery time and the fibroids could return
• Uterine fibroid embolization (UFE) - use fibre optics to shrink fibroids by cutting off blood supply, little is known about its long-term effects, especially on future fertility.

I haven't made a decision yet as to how I will "treat" these (other than eating well and exercising) for a few different reasons. On the positive, I had my bi-annual check up last month and it does look like the fibroids are shrinking, nothing major, but they're shrinking...and it may be credited to my new healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

Anyway, I never intended to write so much when I sat infront of my laptop, but here we are. I said all along that my life is not only about this weightloss journey and this just shows that; even though it's all connected. Anyway, I hope this helps somebody or at the very least enlightens, or illicits discussion, even if just a little. I guess this is just another part of my honest rants during this journey of mine. Thanks for reading (especially when the posts are sooooo long!!)

Until next time...

Joania (2KMINE!!)