Break Fall Fears!!!

What is a Break Fall?

In addition to something I am currently terrified of doing in Jiu-jitsu class, it is defined as a specific method of falling designed to protect your body from damage as you hit the ground. There are many different types/levels of break falls found in Jiu-jitsu (I don't know them all - yet). The one used will be based on how one is thrown (that's right, I said "THROWN"). In all break-falls, one will attempt to control their body position while partially or completely airborne.

Break falls are extremely important since they allow you to land from throws as comfortably and as safely as possible. Safe fall??? Sounds like an oxymoron, I know.

I found a demo of one of these on the internet. Click on the link below to see the demo video of the back break fall (this is what I'm struggling with, but will keep at it):

http://www.ehow.com/video_2359088_back-break-fall-tang-soo.html

Now...after watching that, I think you know what I'm talking about. I've mentioned on quite a few occasions in this blog that this journey is sometimes more a mental one than it is physical and I believe this "breakfall" situation is a prime example of this mental battle.

I have been overweight pretty well all my adult life and I'll tell you, one of my biggest fears was FALLING!! Now, I'm being asked to deliberately fall!??!?! Insane! I don't think the other students in my class TRULY realize just how difficult this is for me to attempt. I know that physically I am much smaller than I was and 67 pounds lighter but my mind has not yet caught up with the fact that I weigh so much less!! I know this by the extra caution I still take stepping in and out of my bathtub (not that you shouldn't be cautious - but I think I do so much more so because of my weight)!!!

Have you ever sat in a chair and have the legs crumble under you because of your weight? I'll tell you it's one of the most humiliating things to ever happen and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Then it was followed by a horribly uncomfortable laugh to try to make "light" of the situation and cover up my embarrassment - it was just horrific. To this day, I scope out the legs of certain chairs before I sit on them, wondering if they're strong enough to hold up my weight. So when I'm asked to throw myself to the ground (even if I am landing on a very thickly padded and sturdy mat and in a gym learning martial arts), it scares the crap out of me - but I'm trying!! I've got to face these fears! All of them, one at a time!

I dread icy winter days for fear of wiping out. I know a lot of people have this particular fear, but the thought of me falling especially in front of "witnesses" would scare me big time!! Living in Canada, where our winters are spectacular, I've had my share of wipe outs. The worst part? The imprint of your fat ass in the snow for the world to see!! I don't even think anyone really looked at the imprint in the snow but I always did!! Crazy, I know! But those weren't so bad because a lot of people fall in the winter time, for the most part I just laughed it off! Oh well, my ass print will be smaller this winter - I know I'll be falling! :))

A big part of this journey for me will be ensuring that my mind keeps up and adjusts with/to the physical weight loss. I no longer weigh 278 pounds (my heaviest)! I weigh 191. The chair will not break if I sit on it. I won't break anything if I attempt these breakfalls. I will be able to get back up. I can do this. There really is a whole lot of growing with all this shrinking!

Anyway, my journey continues.

Until next time...
Joania (2KMINE!!!)

Attacking My Fears

I am afraid of so many things. I always put on a brave face but inside I have a lot of fears, as I believe many of us do... I know that fear is a part of everyone's life and can be good or bad depending on the situation. Fear can help to keep you safe and alive if you need to escape a dangerous situation. Fear can prevent you from doing things that are not safe or endangering your life like robbing a bank or driving with your eyes closed!!

I think that more than anything, fear is a limiting factor in most of our lives. There are so many common fears that keeps us from reaching our goals and achieving our dreams. It is really important for me to determine what my fears are, especially when it comes to achieving the goals that I've set for this journey. I really have to look closely at each of my fears and determine whether or not it's an excuse or some sort of tactic for procrastinating when it comes to getting things done with regards to weight loss. As I've said many times before, I've been overweight all my life and trying to lose weight for the last 20 years. Why has it taken me this long to truly get this done? I know my fears have something to do with it.

I need to take action. Attack those fears. What will really happen if I take martial arts? I used to think that I'd fail and fall flat on my ass (literally). But I've come to realize that the failure comes from not even trying something that I know that I want to do! No more!

One thing this journey is teaching me is that I need to attack my fears head on!!! I have to do this in order to LIVE the life that I want!! Earlier today, I was watching a clip of Will Smith (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Smith), one of my favorite 'people that I don't know' (celebrity). He made a statement, "I am motivated by fear" and that statement just stuck with me. I decided to adopt that philosophy. I will be motivated by my fears by attacking them one at a time!! I've always hated feeling scared to do something, but no more!! This is part of the reason I decided to sign up for Jujitsu and Kickboxing. I've always had a fascination with martial arts - you wouldn't know it by looking at me, but I have!!

I've watched so many Kung-Fu movies (it's one of my many guilty pleasures) and I'm sure I've seen every Bruce Lee movie ever made!! I'll challenge anybody to have a Bruce Lee-karate-sound-making contest with me!! LOL!! Whatahhhhhhh!! :)

When I was younger (high school age), I remember seeing the movie, "The Karate Kid"...trust me it was a big deal back then. I wanted so desperately to take Karate classes but was too afraid to do it so I didn't bother. A few years later, "The Next Karate Kid" was released and the lead character was a GIRL, fighting Karate and kicking ass!! I think it was Hilary Swank who starred in it. Anyway, I wanted to take karate again but chickened out once more! Until now, here I am 35 years old and just signed up for martial arts classes!! It's never too late y'all!! But can you imagine where I'd be today if I attacked my fears back then??? Can someone say 10th degree triple black belt and the body of a goddess!!?!?!?!? Oh well, nothing before its time :0)

So my new pact with myself is to face all of my fears one at a time. I will attack the things that scare me and use that fear as motivation to succeed. Didn't some great person say, " there's nothing to fear but fear itself" (who said that? I'll have to google it). Anyway no more!!

I am more than half way to reaching my goal weight and I still have so many fears. Now some of these fears may be irrational but still real. I want to attack all of these to ensure I make it to the end - I want to succeed. Below will be a list of only 5 of the fears I am currently dealing with. There is an old saying that sums up why we have and hold on to our fears, "It’s easier to stay in a known hell than to risk an unknown heaven". Well I think this risk is worth taking!

You will notice that I have a plan of attack for some but not all - feel free to give suggestions. I am afraid of:

1. I'm afraid of gaining weight - my plan of attack will be to stick to my exercise and healthy diet plan!!
2. I'm afraid of losing weight - my plan of attack will be to no longer sabbotage my progress/success and get to the bottom of what I'm really afraid of. What is this fear really about?
   
3. I'll let myself (and others) down if I regain all of the weight - Plan of attack....?
   
4. I'll lose my overweight friends - this one may sound a bit strange and really if I lose them over this then they weren't really friends to begin with...BUT they are really friends and already, after having lost 60 pounds, I'm starting to see and feel a difference with a few of my relationships. I now have new interests which they don't all share and I now avoid some of the activities we used to do because they are no good for me and could be detremental to my success (not healthy). My plan of action will have to be honest and open communication with them and go from there.
   
5. Other people's reaction to the "new" me - do I really want to deal with it (resentment, jealousy, maybe even anger) Plan of attack ...?
   

I don't know...am I nuts to have these thoughts?? Regardless, I know that these are some of the fears holding me back and I plan to attack them however I can, starting now!!

Look forward to your comments...

Until next time...
Joania (2KMINE!!!)

Last Week's Weigh-In...oh oh!!

Starting Weight: 258 lbs (Dec 10/08)
Last Weigh In: 208 lbs (May 16/09)
Current Weight: 210 lbs

This Week's Loss: NO LOSS...+2 lb GAIN!!!!!!!!


Okay first off, I am not upset with this 2 pound gain. I just need to figure out why, not why I gained the weight - just why I always seem to "put it in cruise control" when I'm doing well!!

This is the first time during this journey that I've gained weight and I truly hope it will be the last. I would like to say that these two pounds is from all the muscle I'm building BUT I know that may not be it. Seeing my little "weight loss progress badge" on the right side of the blog, go from '50lbs lost' back to '48lbs lost', really hit me and hopefully was enough to get me back on track!! This gain is from me not being 90% or better (my own goal for myself) with regards to my food and exercise!! And really, that's the secret to success, at least where weight loss is concerned. Eating the right foods and getting the right amount of exercise!! I KNOW THIS!!! Doing it, is what's difficult!!

The Last 3 Days...

While I was in Edmonton, I worked out EVERYDAY and stuck hardcore to my exercise training plan. I was also very good with my eating plan with the exception of having some alcohol and 1 and a 1/2 slices of pizza (small slice). I don't want to make excuses...just want to be straight!!I don't know what's going on with me, but I did not work out on Friday (I travelled that day - but that's no excuse) Saturday (got lazy), or Today (even lazier)!!! Why am I doing this?? Saturday night, I had a peanut butter sandwich on white bread!!!! It was sooo good. I literally said F' it and proceeded to eat it!! Why do I do this??


I can think of nothing that happened to trigger this. Home life is fine, work life is fine (busy, but fine)! I really need to understand why this happens. This journey is not only about me getting healthy and losing the weight, it's also, and most importantly, about me breaking that vicious cycle that has me sabbotaging my progress and regaining whatever weight I had lost!! I am committed to this journey but it seems that I have to kick this up a notch, I feel like I'm slipping and I know that I shouldn't be, because I've been doing so well. Arrrghghhgh...frustrating!!


Being Fat is Sometimes Comforting...

This may seem strange to some, but bieng overweight/obese/fat (whatever you call it) is somewhat comforting. For me, it's easier and I'm willing to bet that quite a few people out there would agree with me on this one! Before embarking on this journey, I would wake up, eat whatever I wanted for breakfast (if I ate at all) and go about my day, stopping periodically to "snack" on whatever I wanted. At work, I could go to the cafeteria downstairs and ordered whatever I wanted for lunch, most of the times not even thinking about what I ordered (usually way too much food - poutine, coca cola, something cheesy and rich with that insta mix gravy).

I would walk through the mall, go straight to the food court and had my fill of unhealthy choices. I wrote before of my love of Cinnabuns! I could order out whenever I wanted to and whatever I wanted to at pretty much anytime of day or night. That was the worst of them all, because after ordering my food from the telephone or internet, I would plop down on the couch, in front of the television as I ate.

As for clothes, I would make an effort for work, but at home it was usually some oversized T's and a comfy (there's that word again) pair of track or jogging pants, that just stretched with me - so the more weight I gained, the more my pants stretched. This is one of the reasons I felt so amazing when I fit into those size 16 non-stretch jeans!!

I hated walking (still not my fav, but I do it more often now)! I rarely moved but to get to and from places like the kitchen, bedroom, bathroom etc. I barely said the word "exercise" much less DID any!!

My lifestyle now is wonderful, I love how great I feel after dong 30 pushups or after strength training for an hour. When I first jogged for 1 full minute on the treadmill without stopping, I felt like I just ran and finished a marathon - I was so proud. When I run up my flight of stairs at home and it doesn't phase me one bit, I feel awesome!! I'm running around with my son and HE'S getting tired before me...this is why I'm doing this. I love these feelings of pride, confidence (not that I wasn't confident before - just more so now) and energy!

When I travel on business and eat out at amazing restaurants for EVERY MEAL and stay on track, effortlessy making healthy choices, I feel such pride.

So why the hell am I not staying on track?? Why am I doing this??

Well, I'll tell you right now, as of 5am tomorrow morning, I WILL BE BACK ON TRACK!!!! I don't think I've done any kind of damage that can't be repaired!!! This is just a minor bump in the road and I WILL get through it! I love how strong and proud I feel when I'm on track! The positive energy that surrounds me is just amazing!!

So, that's it for now. I slipped up, messed up a bit, BUT WILL BE BACK ON TRACK and moving forward as of this moment.

Until next time...

Joania (2KMINE)